I am not strong. I am not ok. I should not amaze you. I am a grieving mother that will never be the same. I will feel- at least- two emotions at all times for the rest of my life. Terrible pain and joy…loneliness and fulfillment…the end and the beginning…as my husband says whole with a hole.

This past weekend I witnessed the most unbelievably beautiful and genuine love story at my nieces wedding. Claire and Jake have a love story founded on their relationship with God first and that assures them the solid foundation they will need to foster and grow a remarkable marriage.

As we travel to the wedding, I have heart burn. I never have heart burn. Seems strange, maybe tums? By the end of trip, my neck hurts. I have pain down my arm, numbness in my other arm. The long trip must have resulted in a pulled muscle or pinched nerve. Ibuprofen will fix it.

I want to show up for my family. I want to celebrate every milestone. I have a sincere desire to be a part of every moment- Cherish Every Moment- is not a cliché but a mantra. But… family milestones remind me of the milestones my child will never meet.

Determined to show up and celebrate, I tuck away the thoughts. All it takes is a text from my youngest daughter saying she is struggling and needs to find a counselor and the other daughter with me is dreaming of her own wedding and what that will be like and you feel like she is robbed of “normal” without her brother. It’s hot… so hot… and I have heart burn again… pain down my arm from my neck. I stand and witness the most amazing first dance. The song is perfect for these two amazing young adults. Hot…pain…can’t breathe… next… I am in an ambulance. I hate ambulance sirens. An ambulance wasn’t even called to Jack’s accident, but the sirens are a gut punch that another family may be experiencing loss.  Questions are flying my way. What have you had to drink? What did you take? What hurts? All I can say is my heart hurts. No sirens!!! Please, no matter what, don’t turn on sirens. Next I remember a sign on a door, Critical Care. Who needs critical care? A doctor asking questions about my neck and my arms and I all I can think is, did I just ruin my nieces wedding? I ask over and over and nobody answers. They are interested in me telling them what hurts and I am concerned with what I left behind…the dancing.

I am embarrassed, but not scared. The entire night, I never felt scared. I can hear my husband and oldest daughter asking questions and talking about my loss- our son and brother. Cat Scan, MRI, Xray… I keep sharing that I was just hot, but nobody is listening. I feel frustration at them placating me, but not scared or concerned. After several hours, many tests, and several alarms and beeps begging for attention. The doctor comes in and shares the good news- not a heart attack. “Mrs. Paris I think you have a broken heart.” I know I am just staring at him. Along the way I took my contacts out and I can’t really see his face. But I hear clearly… Of course I have a broken heart, but I already knew that. I remember saying, are you telling me I just ruined my nieces wedding because I miss my son. Yes! Nathan and Abbie reassure me that I am not crazy, it was just a lot- the heat, a torn muscle or muscle spasm in my neck, and lots of triggers for a broken heart. Olivia is a Senior, she was not with us on this trip and she has been texting to tell me that she is sad, that’s all she can say to describe how she feels. I realize that she is about to pass him in age. Wedding, Back to School pics, Jack’s friends back to College, his best friend sharing that he is doing better than ever. The world is moving on, but there are no new pics of Jack. No new plans. No wedding. His sisters will never be the same. His dad will never be the same. I will never be the same. The mask of moving forward caught up with me that day.  My heart break overwhelmed me and I couldn’t breath… but I did not fear death because I would get to see my son and share the amazing promises of heaven. Two emotions again…stay for my girls or go for my son. This was not ever a literal choice as my heart was just misbehaving because it was broken, not sick… but ironic to me that once again- two emotions at once. Strong and weak; happy and sad; angry and at peace… whole with a hole.